Still

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IMG_0832IMG_0899I cannot count the hours I have laid next to Allistaire with this quiet music playing.  Putting her to bed for a nap, closing the curtain to her hospital room and posting the sign telling the world to stay away, Allistaire is sleeping.  Laying next to her in Ron Don, going through our night-time rituals.

The music plays on but she is gone.  Gone.  The bed is empty.

After four and a half years of fighting her great foe, Acute Myeloid Leukemia…after two long grueling weeks since Sten and I made the brutal decision to no longer attempt to thwart her disease, an aggressive, relentless, mindless onslaught…after over three hours, as her body continued to fight, to grasp for life, lungs pulling for air, and a heart, oh her heart, far stronger than we could have ever imagined, that heart so determined, so fierce, it pumped on and on and still her mouth gulped for air when her chest no longer rose and there was not one flex of her heart muscle left…

And then stillness.  Only the soft rushing sound of the oxygen still trying to sustain life.

Quiet

Utter stillness

How very strange to come to the end.  To have this child between us, this longed for child that together we had conceived, this little bright vibrancy now extinguished, pale, still.

We love you little sweets, beyond words and time, you are so very dear to us.

Allistaire Kieron Anderson died early this morning at 1:33am, April 30th 2016

 

My deep and fervent desire has been that these most vicious versions of Allistaire’s cancer cells would be able to be studied and contribute to the understanding of AML, in honor of all that Allistaire went through and in blessing to those who will be forced to come behind her.  Dr. Soheil Meshinchi, one of our spectacular, brilliant and tender-hearted Bone Marrow Transplant doctors at Fred Hutch, made a way for this final offering.  Soheil is the COG (Children’s Oncology Group) AML Biology chair and oversees the largest pediatric AML tissue bank in the nation.  Along with other doctors/researchers dear to our hearts (Dr. Katherine Tarlock, Dr. Marie Bleakley, Dr. Phil Greenberg, Dr. Todd Cooper), he is tireless in his pursuit of understanding AML and finding ways to thwart its stranglehold on so many sweet children.

These are the words of Dr. Soheil Meshinchi to me:

“I will do everything I can to learn all we can about Allistaire’s leukemia.  Her diagnostic sample is being sequenced now and we will sequence specimens that you send us…Please feel free to call me anytime you want to talk.”

“My prayers are with Allistaire and your family.  We will care for these precious cells of Allistaire.  Please call me if there is anything I can do.”

And this comes from him this very morning, “Dear Jai, I wanted to give you an update on Allistaire’s cells.  We received them in great condition.  They were processed and a fraction was used for extracting RNA and DNA.  We purified leukemic cells from another subset and banked several vials.  We are waiting for the result of the foundation medicine testing with plans to sequence her recent cells as well.  I’m available to talk anytime you need to.  Best, Soheil.”

Allistaire’s life was strangled out by cancer and while I look in hope for her to have a new body, one incorruptible, I also strive after life here and now.

Please considering honoring Allistaire’s life and tremendous fight by supporting cancer research at Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center.  You can join our team Baldy Tops or give financially to Obliteride HERE.

*We will be planning some means of memorial in the future, but have no plans as of yet.

**Allistaire is alive in all of these pictures (with the exception of the very last picture of her toes), though they are either days or even only several hours before she died.  Some may find these very difficult to see.IMG_3726IMG_0657IMG_0659IMG_0236IMG_0733IMG_0736IMG_0760IMG_0849IMG_0884IMG_0887IMG_0895IMG_0897

187 responses »

    • Our hearts are filled with sadness as we read your final post. We pray for your family to stay strong after year after year of a constant onslaught on your brave and sweet child. In our home, our growth group, our church and our bible study, we have followed every bit of news and prayed that there could be a miracle. Our love goes out to you as you begin a new chapter in your lives. May God make you strong! Joe and Barbara Pravetz from Trinity.

    • Dear Sloveig, I am sorry Allistaire died. I will pray for your family. love Abbey Boyd (age 6)

      We have been praying for you from Lagrange, Wyoming. We will continue to pray for comfort and healing. Beautiful Allistaire will not be forgotten. We look forward to meeting her in person in heaven someday. love the Boyd Family.

    • I am so sorry for your loss. I’ll never forget the day I met Allistaire at Old Navy in Lynnwood and she said she would come visit me the following Monday. It really made my day to see her smiling face that next Monday when she came to see me! Prayers for your family during this difficult time.

  1. As I look at these photos the tears run down my face, I can feel the pain in all your faces, My prayers will be with you all as you stumble on the next days. Yes she is with Jesus and for this I celebrate with you, Yet I also feel for you the pain of not having her with you. Hugs, Love and many Prayers to you all.

  2. Much love and so many prayers to all of you from a woman in Renton, Washington you have never met but who has followed your journey through Lucy’s page. Lucy is a dear friend of my mom. Tears flowing down my cheeks. I’m so very sorry for this unimaginable loss. I have two daughters. I literally cannot imagine. I admire you all so much for being the most amazing parents and sister to this beautiful girl. Fly with the angels sweet Allistaire.

  3. I don’t know you face to face but I have followed you and Alistaire’s battle with cancer for a long time. Weeping with you. Praying for you. May God come close to you in your pain.

  4. Beautiful Allistaire I have followed your story and my heart is broken for you all. Sending you much love and strength xxx

  5. Though I never met Allistaire, she has still touched my life. What a beautiful little girl taken far too soon. My prayers to you all.

  6. We are strangers and yet not a day goes by since being allowed into your lives through this blog that I have not thought of your family and your precious daughter. Tears have fallen silently as I have read your words detailing this journey…your words are a gift, they are power, your willingness to open up the most private and the most intimate moments in your life to others has opened so many eyes to this unforgivable relentless beast…your words have given to myself and others emotion and understanding like I have never had before surrounding the insurmountable battles these children and their families face. Thank you! Thank you for not allowing me to live another moment in this life blind to this. Your words, your daughters courage, your family’s beautiful love for one another and our Lord, is a legacy like no other that will forever live on in Allistaire’s honor. My prayers are with you for continued strength, peace, and healing. She is resting in His arms and you will be with her again!

  7. We are heartbroken and praying. Praying for you and Sten and all of the family. Much love to all of you as you seek comfort in her memories.

  8. My heart hurts for your family. Thank you for sharing your joy, pain and journey with “us.” Such beautiful pictures of your sweet Allistaire!

  9. my prayers are with you and your family. Alistaire is with God and many other loved ones up in heaven and she with be watching over your family each and everyday.
    Vickie Mason
    Jan and Paul Anderson’s cousin.

  10. My heart is breaking for you. I’ve been praying from afar since Emily and Darlene told me of Allistaire’s battle a couple years ago. May she savor the sweet, sweet sound of heaven as she is gathered in the arms of Jesus….

  11. My condolences to your family. I truly appreciate you letting us be part of your families life through this blog. I have prayed along with you all, and today I feel your sorrow. Allistaire is at peace now and I pray for peace and love for all of you family……

  12. Jai, this is Alicia, Bella’s mom. I am so sorry… I’m crying with you.. You and Allistaire touched my life deeply, I will keep praying for you guys. Just wanted to share something that might help… After Bella passed away, my friend gave me a book called “Journey of Souls” written by Michael Newton. This book really helped me and my family a lot, to realize Bella is OK, she is having a good time in heaven, and finally our hearts found peace. No parents can overcome the loss of their child.. but this is something I recommend, when you feel like to read…

  13. Tears flow-the pictures reflect you & Sten made the right decision for her to be at home. And, now she is forevermore. Rev 22:21 The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen

  14. God’s got you here in his grip! Gods got Allistaire face to face. God is your strength and power, he makes your way secure. {HUGS}

  15. Love and prayers ♡♡♡ prayers for strength to get through this terrible difficult time…there are just no words ((hugs))

  16. Thank you for sharing your little daughter with everyone. Thank you for sharing your thought through out the years as you all fought a good fight of her life. Nothing will ever replace not having her her by your side. It is amazing the things and people she gets to see as she is right now by Jesus. That is amazing to think about! I am sorry for those future memories you will not get to share in her growing up years. She is so loved!

  17. It is very sad to loose a sweetie like Allistaire to cancer. Prayers to your family and Allistaire’s sweet soul. Our family makes monthly donation to Fred Hutch to find cure.

  18. I have followed your story for so long….I have prayed for you all often, and so hoped it to turn out so very differently. I am sorry for your loss, you will continue to pray.

  19. My heart aches for you and the family. I cannot imagine the pain. Know you are all loved. Eowyn sends her love too. Prayers of comfort for you all.

  20. Oh Jai. Our hearts are broken for you. Our prayers continue for your precious family. Heaven is looking sweeter everyday.

  21. Oh Anderson family my heart weeps with you! Deep pain beyond words! I am so immensely sorry for your great loss! What a beautiful child, what an immeasurable loss for your family! Thank you for finding some strength to share this sad news. I have been thinking about Alastair and your family and wondering about you guys. I’m grateful to know, and yet so intensely sad for you all. I will be in some very serious prayer for your family!

  22. I was sad to have heard yesterday that the cancer was back in your beautiful Allistare’s body.
    I am so happy that Allistare wanted to go home to Montana so that she could spend her precious time with her amazing parents, sister and grandparents.
    Allistare is smiling and playing with all the other precious children in Heaven around Jesus’s feet .
    My beautiful memory of Allistare was when I saw her running down the passage with her puppy into CT with Solveig and you following your daughters.
    It was such a lovely sight to see Allistare up and running like a normal child, after the many times I have been her PACU nurse, seeing her drowsy and so not herself waking up after a anaesthetic.
    Another beautiful memory was a few weeks ago when I took care of her in PACU. As she woke up I told her my name and that I was taking care of her, that Mommy is here with you .
    She opened her eyes sleepily, said “I remember you “. Allistare put her thumb in her mouth and drifted off to sleep for a short while .
    My heart breaks for you, your husband and her sister . Allistare fought so hard to get better, you all have fought so hard with her to get rid of the cancer. Just know that Allistare was a very special little patient of mine.
    Sending you all a very BIG hug.

  23. I’ve been following, and I am so very sorry for your loss, so grateful for your concise loving words, and blessed to have “known” her. I will continue to pray for your family.

  24. My heart breaks for you and your sweet family. Your precious little girl is in the arms of Jesus waiting until you join her again. I know your pain. I know your sorrow. My heart breaks for you but I know that your faith will sustain you and strengthen you until that day that you see her again face to face.

  25. No words. Just sorrow and lots of tears. Thinking of you and feeling your loss.

    Rest in peace little Alistaire and know how many hearts you have touched in your way too short life. Xoxo.

  26. What a testimony to Allistaire’s strength and her fight to the very end. The love you showed her is incredible. You have taught me so many things about life and the strength we hold within ourselves. Hold each other tight. My thoughts and prayers will be for you now and in the future. 💛

  27. God bless your family and your beautiful angel. She’s no longer struggling to stay on this earth, but has her wings and will watch over you until you can be together again.

  28. I have never met you, but I have been following Allistaire’s journey through your blog. I have been praying for her and for your family. This news of her passing brings me to tears. Thank you for sharing the story of your sweet daughter through. You are a profound writer and your faith is inspiring. The pictures you have posted are so moving. They show much pain and love. I am continuing to pray for your family. I am praying for you to feel the love of God in a deep and powerful way. I am so thankful for the hope and reality of Heaven and the reuniting which will come.

  29. My heart. My prayer for each one of you -that He will meet you where you are. Her life is so beautiful and will continue to be. I am so utterly sorry.

  30. Just ran across this post on FB from a mutual friend. Been years since we were at TMC together and had no idea of this battle your family has been fighting. Nothing more to say other than your family is in our prayers. May God comfort you in this time of grief.

  31. I have followed your blog for the last two years, and to be honest I have no idea exactly how I found it (I believe a friend shared the link but I don’t remember who).

    I never knew Allistaire but I sit here weeping, praying for your family and joining in your grief and hope. As a momma by heart grasps to find words to express my feelings toward your family. I cry out with you before the Lord, that He would give you glimpses of how meaningful Alistaires life and illness had so much meaning.

    I will continue to lift you and your family up in prayer, my sister in Christ. You have been so courageous to share your journey, thank you. Allistaire is in the presence of our Savior, free. ❤️

    Melynda

    “Though you slay me” http://youtu.be/qyUPz6_TciY

  32. Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
    John 11:25-26. Grieving with you, hoping in the life to come.

  33. I am so sorry for the battle your family and specifically Allistaire has fought these long years. The tears roll down my face for this precious little girl who is now with Jesus and for the pain you are all experiencing. You and your family are in my prayers. May God comfort you now and in the days, weeks and years to come as you continue on without the physical presence of your daughter.

  34. Words come hard for me, but know that your
    family is so very loved. My hope and prayer is that you will all be comforted knowing that sweet little Allistaire is no longer in pain. God bless you all dearly. Love and deepest condolences.

  35. no words…but the deepest respect for the journey you all have had to walk – it is a road beyond comprehension and one I know well…my thoughts and prayers are with you all as you grieve such a brutal loss. I stand with you in remembering and honoring your beautiful little girl.

  36. My heart is with your family today. My soul weeps for Allistaire and for you all. My prayers continue for your family! Much love!

  37. I am so sorry for your loss! May she fly high with the angels in her new healed body! Thank you for allowing me to follow your journey, have had you all in my thoughts and prayers and will be praying for your family as you deal with such a loss as this!

  38. From Zach guillot s grandparents our hearts ache for you. I can only hope for you to have comfort in the knowledge that your little girl knew and felt the love and caring you gave to her.
    We know your pain.
    Linda and George Guillot

  39. My heart aches for you while it rejoices that Allistaire is in the sweet arms of our Lord and Savior. May it comfort you knowing you shall someday be reunited. May God comfort and sustain you during this time of sorrow!

  40. Goodbye sweet little Allistaire. Thank you for sharing these precious last moments of utter sadness and agony with us. I’m thankful her face was not marred and she remained Allistaire to the end. To Jai, Sten, and Solveig: may the Good Shepherd find you in this valley of death and carry you through.

  41. I have quietly followed your story through many mutual friends. Tonight my heart breaks for a stranger. I hope you find solice with those you love. I wish you peace. Your bravery and perseverance is amazing.

  42. My heart aches for you & your family, I don’t know you but I pray somehow you are comforted knowing your story has touched me & I will hug my grandchildren very tightly & say a prayer for you. Goodnight sweet angel 👼💔

  43. I cannot begin to imagine the overwhelming emotions you all are going through. 2 months ago I lost my husband, and the father of our 2 small children. I watch them and it hurts knowing life will never be the same, but it does continue. Find comfort in the happy times, and knowing that she is in a beautiful place, more beautiful than we could ever imagine. Look for little signs of her and you will be amazed by how much she is still with you. Your pictures are beautiful, raw emotion of love. I pray that you find peace and some comfort. A beautiful little girl surrounded by love, and that love will always be there.

  44. There are no words. I went thru this with my 28 yr old son who passed 1 yr ago in march. It’s not easy and will ever go away. Just know that God has her and lots of hugs and prayers are coming your way. From Longview , Texas….

  45. Weeping with you.

    We have never met, but you and Allistaire have touched me more than you can imagine. It was your testament to your beautiful faith, a beacon in times of such darkness and heartache, that showed me the way back home to the Lord. I will never be able to thank you enough for that, but I hope it helps in some small way to know that although Allistaire’s time here was short, her impact was mighty.

    “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
    Romans 8:38-39

  46. We love you Allistaire – thank you for giving us the courage we needed. I promise you will never be forgotten. We love you Allistaire.

  47. Good Bye for now, Sweet Allistaire. I met you on earth once and I look forward to
    meeting you in heaven one day soon. We will take care of your family down here,
    So go in peace, God’s little angel. Jesus loves you, this I know, For the Bible tells
    me so. Little ones to Him belong, We are weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves
    you, Yes, Jesus loves you, Yes, Jesus loves you, The Bible tells me so.

  48. I cannot fathom, but I stand with you in the knowledge that your precious babe is now healed and has the fullness of life with Jesus. I also grieve with you; heartbreaking.

  49. Thank you for sharing your precious and painfull story with us. Allistaire is healed now. Your pain is so great and I am so sorry. I am thankful you have each other to mourn her loss. As you grieve, may you grieve in the strength of the Holy Spirit.
    Lord Jesus, You are the Comforter, please bring this family together and hold them and love them thru each hour, each day, each month. May they find rest and peace as they face the difficult days ahead in saying goodbye to their daughter and sister.

  50. Heaven got a beautiful angel today who will always look over you and stay close to you. Rest in peace sweet sweet Allistaire and I pray for strength for you Jai, Sten and Solveig. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You are loved. God bless.

  51. I too have been praying for all of you. My heart is so heavy for you all. I can only say it has been a privilege to read your journey of life and faith. Please know you have encouraged me by your faith lived out in honesty and pain. I will keep praying

  52. I cannot convey to you all the depth of empathy I feel. Thank you for letting us all walk beside you in your raw and unfiltered world.
    I do not know you. Nor do I know of others who have suffered as you have. But your journey, your pain, your weeping, your wrestling, your daughter has been shared and carried by many. Strangers and kin alike. Thank you for allowing us to be your cloud of witnesses. To carry you and lift you up high to the Heavens. I see a picture of your little love skipping stones and skipping alongside a stream of the clearest of water. She has a new body and her childlike beauty, that you’ve described, remains intact. I pray for an impartation from Heaven to bear your grief and to grace your new chapter ahead. Is strange….I love you all though I’ve never met you. Deepest care and compassion coming your way.

  53. My husband and I have been praying for your family and will continue to do so. Thank you for sharing your sweet girl with us all.

  54. Oh my, prayers for comfort and strength for your beautiful family. Thank you for sharing these precious moments.

  55. It is a joy to know that it is true for your sweet girl – she is no longer suffering. I’ll continue to pray for your family. For a long time.

  56. Weeping and standing with you in prayer. May our good and kind Shepherd hold your broken hearts and be ever near to you.

  57. Words cannot begin to express the sorrow shared in the loss of your precious little girl. To each person who knows you and your family grieve with you and mourn Allistaires loss along with you. Thank you for giving us a place to help fight this terrible disease that has taken so many dear ones from us.
    With kindest sympathy and prayers for you,
    Randy and Deanna Bergman

  58. I’ve been following your blog ever since Thaedra mentioned your little girl was battling cancer. Tears are streaming down my face as I read this news and scroll through these pictures. My thoughts and prayers are with your family.

  59. May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be poured out on you and your family abundantly along with the faith and love that are in Him! Joining many others in lifting you all before the throne of grace.

  60. We’ve never met but we have many mutual friends from Master’s including Katie Talcott who told me of Allistaire’s diagnosis when you first found out. I have been holding you close in my heart and praying for you ever since. My daughters have prayed for Allistaire so many nights as we’ve tucked them in. I grieve tonight with tears streaming down my face. I’m so very sorry, Jai, and don’t have words. But please know we will keep praying and holding you close in our hearts.

  61. We didn’t know you or Allistaire but our 4 year old boy has been praying for her every night since we told him about her over a year ago. He never forgot. As small as it may sound right now, he (and we) learned a lot about prayer and who God is because of Allistaire. Thank you for your witness and we will continue to pray that God will be your strength.

  62. There are no words I can share with you that would make this moment any better. Only that you are all in my prayers. Your precious little girl is finally rejoicing in the presence of our father and I can’t be more happy for her. All our love.

  63. I have read your posts over and over and over. They have touched me so deeply. But, I have no words to offer you. I have tried many times to form emotions and thoughts and tears into words without success. I thought today, you deserved to know that there may be many, like me, who cry for you, who pray for you, and will never forget your family, or your sweet Allistaire.

  64. I’m so sorry… Her beautiful life was taken to soon.. There are no words. I pray that your family finds peace and truly believe that she is in a pain free place, laughing and playing, and looking down on you. How special a girl she must have been.

  65. So very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. May she rest in peace. She is now with the angels and her uncle in heaven having a great time and being pain free. We are praying for your family at this most difficult time, Your blog has been a great testament to your faith and the fight your daughter put up. Love and Prayers Mike and Pam

  66. I am so sorry! My heart hurts so deeply for you and I haven’t been able to find the words to express myself through this difficult trial. Yet your words have brought such great encouragement to me as you have unwaveringly reflected a trust in our great God through this all. You and your family have been in our prayers, and will continue to be as mourn and yern all the more to be with your Heavenly Father who loves you! Love jen for the Chou’s

  67. I am so sorry for your family’s loss. Praying for peace tonight. And rest in peace little Allistaire. ❤️

  68. Dear Jai, please know that even though I don’t know you personally, my heart goes out to you. I have been following your blog for a couple of years and I have been praying for you and Allistaire, Solveig and Sten. I cannot imagine what you are feeling. You have fought so valiantly for Allistaire. May the Lord be your Strength and your Peace right now. Please remember that even when your strength to hang on feels small, your Lord is holding on to you. He will never let go.

  69. I’m so, so sad and sorry that you had to endure this awful ordeal. I think it’s wonderful that your sweet, precious daughter’s cells will be studied and will ultimately help to someday prevent another parent from having to go through this. God bless and comfort you and your family.

  70. From a mother in Issaquah Wa. That has followed your story… A mother who
    Sat by her Sons bedside as he fought a battle with cancer. I am utterly heart broken for your loss. I want to wrap you all in the arms of loves embrace. I want to stand with you in honor of your precious Daughter. I want you to know that ever word of every post and every single photo you shared was fealt by us and we are forever changed because we value the gift that is life so much more.

  71. Sten, Jai and Solveig –
    So sad. So tragic. She, you, fought so hard. No words can express how much we feel for you at this time. She taught us all so much! Thoughts, prayers and tears are with you.
    Lauren

  72. My heart hurts for you and your family Jai. It was my pleasure to take care of your amazing daughter!! Allistaire’s strength and courage will forever be in my heart! Love and prayers to you all!
    Liza

  73. Tonight is the first time I have seen your posts. I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious child, I can’t imagine your pain right now. My heart hurts for all of you in your sorrow. Your daughter Allistaire was a beautiful little girl and now she is one of God’s precious angels. She will be watching over you from now until you and your family meet her again in heaven. Put your life in God’s hands and he will give you the strength to go on. Love from someone you don’t know in Minot, ND.

  74. So many of us who do not know you personally are praying for you. I hope these prayers from so many will lift you up and bring some peace to your hearts.

  75. Oh, precious ones. I am so deeply sorry. So many around the country mourn with you. You have been a warrior, Jai–a warrior for your sweet girl, a warrior for others who battle this disease, a warrior for the faith as you have spoken so honestly and beautifully about your terror and peace and doubt and trust. I will continue to lift you up in prayer–all of you–as you journey through these coming weeks and months, that there may be a season of rest ahead. You are loved.

  76. Oh sweet family.. You won’t know how many lives you have touched! My prayers for you are never forget your moments with your sweet girl!! Thank you for sharing your experience and love!!

  77. Praying for your family during this time! Trusting that God is so so close to your hearts! Jai, you were my RD my freshman year at Masters. I have followed your blog and have been so encouraged by your love and devotion to Christ! My heart is just broken! We have prayed and shed a lot of tears for your family over the last few years. I doubt you remember me, but I love you guys and praying for comfort and peace.

  78. Tears rolling down my face tonight as I re-read your post and saw the pain etched on your faces. Truly unfathomable is the loss of your sweet sweet baby girl. Allistaire has had a huge impact on Malenzie and I, as we have been praying for your family over these last 4 years. Jai your posts have been so raw and gut wrenching while pointing me in the direction of our amazing Lord and Saviour. I have been challenged and grown in my Faith. Your family’s suffering is so beyond what many of us will ever have to endure…may you powerfully sense the Lords sweet mercies through these next days and weeks ahead. I love you!

  79. Just yesterday I came home to my kids after spending 10 weeks in a treatment center for alcohol abuse and poor decisions. I put them to bed tonight for the first time since leaving with the news of Allistaire’s passing fresh on my mind. I’m very sorry for your pain, strife and struggle. Some of us choose to act selfish and defiant which hurts people and others are hurt for absolutely no apparent reason. She didn’t do anything wrong and her life was full of pain. I pray you will find comfort in little ways each day. Your strength shines through your writing and I hope you’re able to publish the blog into a book someday. Thank you for sharing your journey. With Love and Admiration, – Kristen

  80. I have no words to convey my heart that is broken for your family. May God carry you through every moment of every day and may the Holy Spirit rest upon each of you.

  81. You all are so strong and brave and have fought for her and with her for so long. Words can’t describe how much I wish it could have ended differently for her and you all. I’m just so damn sorry that another beautiful soul has fallen to such a terrible disease and everything it brings. The pictures are so painful and beautiful- I’m sure as this entire journey has been. I cry tears for you and send prayers as you walk a broken path without her- and love and strength to you all.

  82. Jai you do not know me personally but I am a sister in christ.I loved Allistire the moment I laid eyes on her! It is my mommy’s heart that breaks for you , that mourns with you!! Thank You for sharing these incredibly sad and sorrowful pictures your strength love and courage far outshines any evil thing cancer can manifest. Much love as you stumble through these next days you will be in my prayers and in my thoughts.

  83. Words aren’t enough. Your loss is unbearable. Your sweet one has touched me as you and you story have. Her name will never see a marriage certificate but it will be remembered in our hearts. In my heart. I will never forget what you shared in this and how much I appreciate it. I will hold my babe tighter tomorrow and treasure the moments more because of what you shared. Thank you. All my love to you and to sweet Allistaire.

  84. Heartbroken for your family’s loss, and for ours here at Seattle Children’s. We loved Allistaire and will miss her dearly.

    2 scripture passages come to mind. I hope they may bring some comfort to you and your family:

    2 Timothy 4:7-8 NIV: I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.

    Revelations 21:1-5a NIV: Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!”

    Praying.

  85. Loves and hugs from me and my family to you and your beautiful Allistaire who is now with our Heavely Father. We’ve never met but share common friends who had updated us on Allistaire’s fight. What a beautiful and strong little soul. My heart hurts with you. I wish you all the best and Pray those cells saves millions of precious lives. Cells not unlike Allistaires are what led to chemotherapy drug developments for my CML. A drug now allows me to live every day with my 5 kids. God Bless you for sharing your beautiful Allistaire with the world!

  86. Jai, Sten, and Solveig, I am deeply sadden to hear of Allistaires passing. Praying for continued strength, healing, and comfort during this difficult time. Weeping with you.
    Shannon Fay

  87. I am so incredibly sorry that her right has ended. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I think you gave it the biggest fight anyone could have ever given and your medical knowledge amazes me. Rest in peace sweet girl !

  88. Thank you for allowing us to follow this most difficult journey you have been on and for your faith through the suffering. I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain and I want you to know that Allistaire’s life, her courage and your vulnerability has deeply touched so many and strengthened my faith. My heart grieves for you and our prayers for you continue. With love from a mother of two young girls and daughter-in-law of JoMarie’s friend Lois.

  89. Words cannot be enough at this time! My heart aches with yours and I pray for peace and comfort for all of you. I pray for the oil of joy for your mourning. It is a bittersweet thing to be relieved that your sweet lil one no longer suffers and to be faced with such a void. I am so sorry for your loss😔

  90. Tears streaming down my face, As I read your post, Again and Again, And all the BEAUTIFUL memories, That people have written here, Many, Who have NEVER MET Allistaire, Yet, She touched the hearts of THOUSANDS Worldwide, That’s just who Allistaire was, The “Princess”Beautiful, Just like Cinderella, Jasmine, Belle, Snow White, Or Ella. May God grant you Comfort, In your Grief Stricken Hours, Days, Weeks, Months and Years ahead, As you cope with the loss of your BEAUTIFUL Daughter!! As you mourn, Please know, That all of us out here in “Allastaires World”, Mourn with you my friends, I am so incredibly sorry for your HUGE LOSS, Allastaire meant SO Much to all of us!! Know that Allistaire, Will live on Forever in our hearts and souls, She will be tremendously missed by us all!! Hugs, Thoughtful prayers, Peace and Guidance to both of your families!! God bless you!!

  91. Thank you for sharing your journey with Allistare. My heart weeps for your loss and I pray for strength and peace to your family in the days, months and years ahead. I took a similar journey 10 years ago with my twins Elle and Quinn who passed 12 days after they were born. I took photos and did my best to share the experience and the love that I had for them. You have done the same for Allistare. While there are no real words that I can offer to comfort you, please know that you are not alone. My deepest condolences…

  92. I can’t remember how I first stumbled upon your story. Everything you share is so raw and real and the hope you profess shines through even your most difficult moments. I just wanted you to know that you are one of the best writers I’ve ever read, you truly have a gift. Your heart and thoughts just pour out through each word you type. Thank you for sharing your journey is such an honest way. Grieving and praying with you. – Jess

  93. my heart hurts for you. I’ve been following your blog from the very beginning and you have been such a strong witness to me. I never met Allistaire but through your powerful words she became like a granddaughter in my heart (I have 3 of my own). Praying for peace and comfort that only our Father can give you. – Huguette

  94. My heart is aching for you as you’ve had to experience such huge pain. Heaven feels so good in waiting for such a blessed reunion. Such beautiful love you portray for this beautiful child. God is hugging all of you now & always.

  95. Crushed by this post alone, I can’t comprehend your experience or think I could endure it. So sorry and I hope you find peace and can hold on to it.

  96. With tears on my face, I offer my thoughts and prayers for each one of you at this time of deep, deep loss.

  97. I am so sad you all have been through so very very much. Please know from Oregon you are loved. Please know that those who just found out will continue to help stand in the gap for you and lift you all up to Jesus.

  98. My heart breaks for you all!! The Lord rescued her from this terrible disease. She is safe in His arms forever. One day you shall see her healed, beautiful beyond words. That’s what the word of God tells us.

  99. Tears, Love, Hugs and Strength to all of you. Thank you for sharing your precious daughter with us.

  100. Beautiful, Powerful, Blessed Allistaire Kieron Anderson ~ Your life filled the world with Joy and Struggle. And now, the world mourns your loss. No one who knew you or who knows your family will ever be the same. You have transformed our hearts and left an indelible gift of your precious cells for others. Your life will live on…

    Dear Lord Above, thank you for watching over Allistaire and her family in both the incredibly wonderful moments and in those terrible, awful moments. God of Mercy and God of Grace, show the brightness of Your face on all of her family. Shine Your luminous rays into their soul’s interior and help to disperse their deep sorrow, their pain and their grief.

    May the Lord Bless and Keep you all in His tender care.

  101. Praying endlessly for your family. There are no words to give proper condolences in this most difficult time. While she is free from pain I know how you so wish that could have been on this earth and not with the Lord so soon. Thank you for sharing your journey your words have touched the deepest part of my being. Please know your loss will not be in vain. Those of us touched by childhood cancer will continue to fight for those who no longer can. May peace be with you.

  102. I am so sorry for your loss… the pain of losing a child is pain that we should not have to bare.
    Her name is beautiful ✨

  103. Heartbroken… I have no words. Please know you and your family are being prayed for, I cannot fathom the tremendous loss. Rest in peace beautiful sweet girl 💕

  104. I prayed for you in the wee hours of the morning, that your faith would but fail but be strengthened by His mighty hand in a comfort that only He can provide. You have an army of prayer warriors that he will use to hold you steadfast. Thank you for sharing your lives and reminding us of our true hope eternal in Christ.

  105. Thank you so much for sharing. I’m praying and weeping with you. (We are serving in France. A friend from CA shared this.)

  106. I have just come to find your journey with beautiful Allister and I send love and light to all of you. I could never imagine your pain and your relief in knowing that she is no longer here and no longer suffering. Bless you for your struggles.

  107. Wept today as I read this…
    Aching, praying, and wishing I could hug each of you and share space in the stillness. I know that you know the Truth but the sting of death is real. Death is demonic. I hate it’s pain and anguish that it carries.
    I’m so sorry…

  108. So , so sorry for your family’s loss.She has been such a blessing. Thank you for sharing this time. My Prayers are with you all…

  109. Jai,
    I’m so sorry. We’ve never met, but since I heard of your family and blog through a friend, you all have been on my heart often. I’m not exactly sure why, but the account of the death and raising of Lazarus in John 11 has given me comfort in the past when thinking of Allistaire.

    I am mourning with you. He will wipe away your tears.

  110. I have only known about Allistaire since someone I saw one of these blogs on Facebook a couple of weeks ago. My heart aches for your family and my tears are flowing for you! I can’t fathom the loss of a child, but I do know that the Lord is good regardless of our circumstances, that He makes no mistakes, that He loves us all more than we can ever know, that He has our very best interests at heart, that He has promised that all things work together for them who love Him and are the called according to His purpose. May He comfort your hearts and minds as only He can! I’m so thankful you know the Lord because He’s the only way to be able to get through difficult times like this! I can tell by this last entry in your blog that your family and Allistaire have made a big impact on many people all around the world – I know the Lord will use that to bring people to salvation. May He bless your family!

  111. Sweet Allistaire,
    I know you are enjoying running, playing, laughing, eating, and loving right now. I’m so thankful for the hope we have in Jesus! I’m thankful to have known about you through your Mom’s blog. Your joyful spirit is contagious, and I look forward to enjoying your happiness even more someday when I go Home.

    Jai,
    Since I started to read your blog a few years ago, I have not stopped praying for Allistaire, you, your husband, and your older daughter. I praise God that He is near, specifically, He is near to the broken hearted! I will continue to pray that His compassion and tender love would wash over your aching heart, mind, and body (and that of your family). Thank you, for allowing strangers to enter into the sacredness of your journey.

  112. I have followed your battle through friends and your blog. One thing I have learned is that dear sweet Allistaire had an amazing family. May the love of all those weeping with you bring you strength. No matter how empty you may feel, love surrounds you and will buoy your spirit and feed your soul.

  113. These were my thoughts two days before our Allistaire went home to our Lord as I was sitting in your front room;
    The house is still and quiet.
    Each person lost in their own thoughts and time.
    Its as if we are waiting to hear Death’s foot fall on the floor.
    The timer is near for Death to even the score,
    one life lived, one life taken away.
    How sad to realize we’ll never hear Allistaire’s voice or laughter again.
    How glad to realize that we’ll always have her with us in heaven.
    Where of Death is thy sting –
    it has been swallowed up in victory!
    Almighty God has prevailed, provided, and promised good to those who are called by His name.
    How good you are Lord to take Allistaire home to be with you.
    You know her so perfectly and now she can help you paint rainbows!
    Love you Jai.
    Pops

  114. Jai: These were my thoughts on April 28th as I was sitting in your front room looking at the Spanish Peaks.
    The house is still and quiet.
    Each person lost in their own thoughts and time.
    It’s as if we are waiting to hear Death’s foot fall on the floor.
    The time is near for Death to even the score.
    One live lived, one life taken away.
    How sad to realize that we’ll never hear Allistaire’s voice or laughter again.
    How glad to realize that we’ll always have her with us in heaven.
    Where of Death is thy sting – it is swallowed up in victory!
    Almighty God has prevailed, provided and promised good to those who are called by His name!
    How good you are Lord to take Allistaire home to be with you.
    You know her perfectly and now she paints rain bows for you!

    I love you Jai.
    Pops

  115. I pray for your heart to find comfort in this time. No more pain sweet baby dancing in heaven. Some day you will see her again…

  116. Grieving with you from Portland, OR, with tears, heartache, and sorrow. Thankful that Allistaire is now free, for eternity, from all the pain and trial she experienced, and is walking today with the resurrected Jesus in utmost joy.

  117. Sending you love and strength and peace. Sweet allistaire is in our hearts as are all of you.

  118. Dearest Anderson Family, You all are are held in my heart and prayers. I’ve been following your journey since January of 2015 when my friend Julie Peterson told me of your fight and have been routing for Allistaire ever since. I am in disbelief that she is gone and am heartbroken for and with you. Please know that she will never be forgotten. Please let me know if there is anything I can do from Seattle. With Love, Jenny Planeta

  119. Anderson family,

    I think about you all everyday multiple times. I have been touched and forever changed by Allistaire’s life and story. My prayers from Chicago … Love you all.

  120. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful child. I wish words could be a hug to hold you tight when you were falling apart. I feel the pain and share in the collective loss of another amazing human being that lived far too short a life. She lives on in us all. ❤

  121. Your beautiful girl and her incredible story of life and love and courage and hope and sadness and incredible faith have forever touched my heart. Sending prayers to your family and up to Allistaire, so that she may find a way to comfort you from above.

  122. I am heart broken for your family at Allistaire’s absence in your presence but rejoice we have a heavenly Father who is holding her close and loving her still. I have followed your journey for quite a long time and always looked forward to hearing updates on Allistaire’s progress and victories. She has the final victory now over the horrible battle she had faced so bravely though there is a sting for you in her victory this time. I have 3 children and can not imagine what all you have felt or will have to carry in the days and years ahead but I thank you for allowing us into your lives to pray and cheer and greive with you on this journey and for reminding us that even in the darkest days we have a God who loves and supports and sustains us through every situation in our lives. My father had AML and so when my family learned about Allistaire we prayed for her and your family often and you all have been in my thoughts frequently. We will continue to hold you up in prayer that God would gently hold your broken hearts and lead you from the sorrow into the sunshine.

  123. Oh dear lady….I am soooo VERY sorry you and your family have had to go through this—and obviously, most especially sorry that Allistaire had to go through this! NO ONE deserves to have to deal with such a horrible disease—esp. not children!
    I am new to this blog (I may have posted a comment once recently when I first saw it referenced by a post at the Mundane Faithtfulness Community (started by friends and family of the late Kara Tippetts) but I wanted to let you know how very sorry I am for your loss and how I wish I could bring her back to you AND take away all of the disease. But as you said so eloquently, though her body is no longer here, she IS healed now, her body incorruptible and she waits for you all with Jesus when one day you are reunited for eternity!
    THANK YOU for sharing your precious baby with us….as well as your family and the battle you have all fought so courageously and with such hope and faith. I’ve not yet read the entire blog yet but that is something I will be doing. I want to know your little girl and do something for someone else in her memory…some random act of kindness perhaps.
    My prayers on your behalf…

  124. Oh, tears streaming down my face. My water broke at 17 weeks and I delivered stillborn twins at 18 and 21 weeks. The time in between was me pressing into God like never before, hoping, waiting, begging, claiming, expecting a miracle. This is NO comparison to what your family has gone through. My suffering and wondering lasted just a few weeks and it was the most draining and stressful and heart wretching thing my soul has ever endured. You have had this for years and I ache for you. I feel pain deep in my bones just thinking about the level of loss you have experience. The things that maybe felt like false hopes, the questioning of who God is, the highs and lows. Your faith, your trust, your natural way to proclaim love for the Father despite this nasty unfair world has been so incredibly encouraging and inspiring. Your baby girl is so beautiful and it’s just not fair. So much love to you and your family ❤

  125. A friend of your family passed along this blog over a year ago. I’ve prayed from the Midwest for a miracle… Some miracles are done in the ways we wish for them on earth and some are fulfilled in Heaven. I believe this beautiful “Sapphire” life will continue to prove to be miracles in both — leaving a legacy for Christ here and in complete healing and fullness in Heaven.

    Praying you feel overwhelmed with an incredible peace only to be attributed to the Lord. He’s with you in this pain and joins in your sadness.

    This BIG little life has forever touched mine even from afar.

  126. Dear Jai

    My heart weeps with sorrow and pain. I truly have no words just prayers and love to you and your family. Praying for God’s grace to lift you up with love, strength and continued faith. To the most beautiful Sapphire, your precious life taken from this earth too soon, only to fill the heavens with the most glorious eternal light. I love you friend.

  127. We have never met your family but I teach Zumba in Myrtle Point Oregon…. Lucy Anderson has been updated us on Allistaires story… Lucy come to zumba regularly and we have comforted her through this. She is a neat lady. I have followed your blog from the beginning… I’m so sorry it has come to the end! My heart hurts for your family…tears pour down my face . We have a 6 year old little girl who has also been following Allistaires story and praying very hard in church every Sunday! Your family is amazing and we will continue to pray!

  128. I don’t know you, but have followed your story through friends. Today I have donated to Fred Hutchinson on behalf of your little angel.

  129. Been praying for you all daily. Will keep doing so. Love you guys. Seen tears on your beautiful faces too much this last year.

  130. Thinking of all of you always. Especially on Mother’s Day – you are a wonderful mom but I know it is hard to face a Mother’s Day with one child already in heaven. Praying for peace and strength.
    We love you!

  131. Thinking of you all often throughout the days. Allistaire left an everlasting impression on my heart….I’m going to miss her. Praying for you friend, and holding you close. I’m just so sorry. Love and hugs from across as the many miles.

  132. Jai, we are all thinking and praying for you, Sven and Solveig each day as you prepare to memorialize Allistaire’s short, painful, sweet, delightful life with us. Allistaire and your sharings of her valiant struggles and how, in faith, you and your family have dealt with cancer has inspired and will continue to inspire so many who face the same awful disease. We pray that one day it will conquered, but mourn the fact that it was not in time for your sweet Allistaire. She is now where we all hope to be one day forever. Peace be with you.

  133. Jai, in the end, despite the stillness, there remains a conglomeration of joy. Praying, even in the midst of your sorrow, that you, Sten and Solveig are graced with His peace that passes all understanding. If I may, I would like to share a YouTube video with you. It is titled Studio Jams #69 – “A Child is Born.” For me, it captures Allistaire’s sweet spirit and brightness.

  134. I am so sorry to hear of your loss of your precious little Allistaire. I have so many fond memories from the blog you wrote and pictures you shared of such a strong and awesome family. Allistaire had a knock out smile that I will never forget. It just made my heart smile when you posted pictures. It captured Allistaire’s sweet spirit and brightness. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her riding her bike through the hospital halls or outside climbing, running and playing with Solveig. She was so darn cute wearing her little princess outfit and the excitement of her birthday party. I just love how these moments have been captured and I will hold them dear to my heart. Allistaire (Sapphire) left an everlasting impression. Holding your family up in prayer. Love and hugs over the mountains for your family during of this difficult time.

  135. I have never met you, but my heart breaks for you and your family, Jai. What a beautiful name – Allistaire. Ever since I first heard your story a few months ago, but didn’t know you had a blog. Since then, God has seemingly whispered her name in my head every once in awhile. And I stumbled upon your blog today. I am so immensely sorry for your loss. I am sorry that you and your family had to go through any of this. Your optimism through this all is so inconceivable and inspiring. Praise the Lord. My faith, in the past few months, has admittedly faltered, but you have restored some of that. Thank you.

    As I read this post, I noticed that the doctor mentioned Foundation Medicine. My husband actually works there. What a small world. I pray that Allistaire’s pain and all of her tremendous fight will contribute to something greater than any of us could imagine. I pray that our Father continues to comfort you and your family. I pray that He showers his love and peace on you.

  136. Shedding tears tonight remembering that bright spark of a girl who is no longer walking the Earth. Praying for you all tonight.

  137. Remembering sweet, bright Allistaire, knowing in faith that she is now in Paradise and that her suffering and pain have been transformed into eternal joy

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