Standard

A single drop of water incomprehensibly dropped into water and trills across the empty space. An echoing quiet, yet deceiving. Like wind constantly buffeting the mouth of a stone cave I realize I hear a constant hum. The ventilation system. I am brought back to those rooms 100, 200, 300, 400, 500 nights. Every night constant sounds, a little fridge ticking on and off, the beeps of the heart rate monitor, the alarm of air in the line, the regular clicking of the syringe on the IV pump. And always, that constant hum of ventilation, strangely bringing comfort, making space for sleep, a buffer against the monotony and the terror of cancer treatment and my little girl laying small in that mechanical bed, rising and falling of her chest. I tried to curl myself into sleep, to pretend that pullout couch really is a bed, knowing that tears can slice into sleep and always, always there are the labs that will await me in the morning.

14 responses »

  1. Sweet Jai. I frequently think of you and Solveig and Allistaire as her sweet remembrance card is attached to my mirror that I get ready in. I want to reach out, but want to respect your privacy and eagerly await your posts on here. I want you to know that I still remember her, her sweet baby Allistaire. I say her name aloud and breathe life to her memory, her legacy on earth. I pray that each day you see her and smile a little more. Love you dear sister in Christ.

  2. Dearest Jai, I’m glad to hear from you despite the continued sadness. I’ve been thinking of you, and Gayle and I continue to pray for you often. Just today on my way home from church I put a card in the mail to you. Wish I had grand words to ease your pain, but I pray. I know that our God has much more than grand words to comfort you and give you his peace.

    Love you,
    Betty

  3. Jai,

    My name is Lisa, I am a reader here and am signed up through emails.
    I recently graduated with my B.S.W.
    I want to let you know how much your writings and words have meant to me.
    I offer no false parabola of sentiment, only that your words do reach an actual living breathing
    Soul.

  4. Jai,

    My name is Lisa, I am a reader here and am signed up through emails.
    I recently graduated with my B.S.W.
    I want to let you know how much your writings and words have meant to me.
    I offer no false parabola of sentiment, only that your words do reach an actual living breathing
    Soul.

  5. Jai,
    I have kept a portion of one of your writings in my electronic files. I titled it “Something to Remember”. As time goes by, I sometimes forget what it is and open it to see. Today, I’m sure it was God who prompted me to open it and read your words. You don’t know me but I know your mom and have prayed and continued to pray for you and yours for a long time. Today, I would like to give your words back to you. They have been an encouragement to me and I hope they will be again, to you. May you feel God’s loving arms around you as you sit beside Him, today.
    Patti

    Sept 1, 2013
    Sometimes I feel the Lord just smiling at me and smoothing my brow, saying, “Just calm down, Jai. I have this. This is my creation. Rest. Rest in Me. Be at rest. Wait for me. Look for what I will do. But even more, just know that I will hold you through this day and provide for all your needs, this day.” And so I sit on the rock next to my Lord, looking out to the wild sea. I don’t know which way He will lead me or what dangers and joys lie ahead. But really, the point is, I’m with Him. That is the point of it all. He is our portion and we are His prize.

  6. My dad is 101 and suffered a major GI bleed and subsequent heart attack. He came home yesterday after a 2 week stay moving from the ER to ICU to Telemetry, and now hospice. My 2 sisters spent most of the time 24/7 with him, and know the sounds and worries of which you speak. We never fully understand life’s mysteries, but accepting “unknowing” the mystics say is the way we move to peace while the pain remains . March 6 would have been Allistaire’s ninth birthday, but now her bright spirit is part of eternity with our Father and Lord, and the Comforter….. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7SvBtJuh3Y

  7. Dear Jai,
    Can’t tell you how many times I think of you… moments flash, hearts grieve, footprints made. I love you friend and sister.

    Heidi Mulliken

  8. Oh Dear Jai…I miss you. I miss her. I miss your writing. I cannot believe it’s going to be 3 yrs soon, since you last loved on sweet sweet Alistaire. My heart continues to ache for all of you, for so many different reasons. I’ll never be able to imagine the horror and pain.
    With love from Minnesota.

  9. Spring has arrived here in the northeast again. Forsythia triumphantly blooming and declaring that spring is here! I’m teaching my older three children ages 8, 6, and 4 to identify it. The past couple of days, little voices continuously call out “forsythia” as we drive around town. I imagine that is what Allistaire did as you taught her to identify it. I always imagine that she was very much like forsythia–that bright little spark of life.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s