Come to the End

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IMG_0461IMG_0447IMG_0457The cursor blinks.  Waiting. Waiting for the words to come, to extract from the blur, to distill the thunder and wailing silence.

We are those people.  We have become strangers from even those who have known this road with us most intimately.  She is not yet gone but the memories, they flash in and burn.   Every step igniting shards of pain.  Beauty and joy, that with the awareness of their loss, pierces rather than delights.  Thoughts, uninvited barrage, come sailing past, slicing, blunt force.  I was teaching her the names of plants and she would yell out their names as we drove about – forsythia, I see forsythia, she exclaims. Red-tip Photinia gets blurted out over and over.  And there it is, a brutal mingling of what once brought joy and proclaimed life and growth is transferred into the category of no more and then the gaping expanse of emptiness where more names of plants were supposed to dwell.  But I wanted to teach her to crouch low and delight in the delicacies of moss, of tender fern, of trickling stream, to watch the light stream through trees, to stop and listen, to soak in life, to learn the secret of the bounty observation brings…

We have had rough times before, really really rough times.  There have distinct situations in which her life could have easily veered toward death, it was right there, standing at the threshold but never had it entered in.  To look at her is disorienting, to consider the severity of the situation keeps getting rejected and spit out over and over.  Dr. Cooper called in early evening.  I told him of the second guessing our decision that had already come, of the disbelief that she really is being over taken by her cancer, that there really is nothing to stop it this time.  I ask him again, are you sure, totally sure there is nothing for her, nothing?  Nothing.  There is nothing left.

This morning I thought, maybe there is something out there in the world, some new and wild way to tackle her beast, some new angle that can catch it unawares and strangle it at long last, extinguishing its mindless assault.  But no.  There are only the same grooved paths.  Therapy, primarily chemo, all to get to a transplant and she just had a transplant.  She just had THE transplant, the no holds-bar transplant, a full-conditioning volley of weaponry – if that didn’t work, there is at present nothing more under the sun that can cure.  And so the question rises, can we give her something to hold her, to simply keep her going?  But to what end?  And it’s not like this doesn’t come at its own cost.  The one possible goal was a CD123 CAR T-cell trial that is still in the works at CHOP (Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia), but it is months and months out.  And with Allistaire’s current heart function she wouldn’t qualify anyway.  And perhaps more than anything, the startling speed of this cancer’s progression makes nearly any novel therapy too late.  Her kidneys are suffering with a steadily rising creatinine level.  Her potassium and uric acid or rising due to tumor lysis.  And this rise in potassium, the unbalancing of electrolytes, could at any moment cause cardiac arrest.

Before we knew it, without intending to and without being able to yet utter the words out loud, we began to discuss what it will look like for her to die.  Does kidney failure hurt?  No, it would be peaceful.  As would her heart simply stopping, peaceful.  What a strange thing to hope for your child.  I do not want chloromas to overtake her body – they cause incredible pain and deformity.  No, it seems most compassionate to make way for some other finality.  I do not want her to bleed out.  We must keep giving her platelets.  But red blood?  It may come to the point that we simply don’t give her any more red blood and she will grow more and more tired and sleep and never wake up.

I cannot believe I am having to have this discussion.  I cannot believe the words entering my ears or coming from my tongue.  It sounds like logistics, some planning committee.  Hospice will meet you on Monday at noon.  PAC Team (Pediatric Advanced Care Team) will do this, Dr. Cooper will check on this…but there is this little girl, the nucleus of all these efforts, these considerations.  And while it all might sound callous and aloof, distant, I am confident of the sincere care for Allistaire in that room, especially that of Dr. Cooper and Dr. Bleakley, two doctors who have intimately walked this road with us, who have thought long and hard over Allistaire.  They are dear to me and I trust them.  I trust them because the are incredible brilliant people who have walked this road with families for many years, who understand the disease far, far more than most and who have known Allistaire as a real girl, not a med rec number, not a PET scan result or Flow Cytometry percentage.  And so with what very little time we have left with our girl, I will not go running after obscure options.  We have chosen to rest in the expertise of our doctors who are connected nationally and internationally with fellow physicians also working on AML.  They are a gift of great worth to us.  They honor us and honor Allistaire in their enduring work to care for children with cancer.

I am already incredibly tired.  I don’t want to leave her side.  I feel the tiny bones in her hands and the light passing across the tiny little peach-fuzz hairs on her cheeks, the long dark lashes and puffy eyelids.  I listen to her breathing and rub the warmth of her back, the delicate blades of bone.  And it all just hurts so bad.  Tonight is Friday night.  It’s always been Friday night pizza night and a movie. Sten and Solveig honor that tradition in Montana and we here in Seattle.  But tonight?  What is tonight?  Is it my last Friday night with Allistaire?  I gag at the thought. I long to throw up, to some how clamp my hands over my ears, to press my eyes closed tight and somehow make it all go away.  Can I just go back to a week ago?  Can I just undo this awful week?  Can we please not take this path?  I want to scream and scream and scream until my voice is gone.

When we sat with Allistaire on her bed and told her that we had met with the doctors and there was no medicine left, that she would die, we asked if there was anything she wanted to do.  “I want to go home,” she said.  And while we feel our resources for this situation are best here, we are taking her home for two days.  Two last days at home in Montana.  Time for the four of us to dwell in that home one last time altogether.  Time for our family to gather.  I don’t know how our hearts will bear up under it.  But we must live out each moment, each minute that amasses to become an hour, and hours days.  Yet we may really be down to days and I can’t stand the thought of it.  My body just shakes, rejecting that the child I gave life to I have to at last lay down and walk away from.

I must go to sleep.  In the morning I will pack for this brief visit home and she will get a transfusion of platelets and red blood to tide her over.

Thank you for your many messages of sorrow and love.  Thank you for your prayers.  Many of you have expressed a desire to help.  First please understand that our time with Allistaire is so short, we will really be keeping to ourselves and our immediate family, a few close friends.  At this point in time we ask that you don’t ask to come visit unless we have already communicated with you.  Please know this is no reflection on you, rather a need to be realistic with our finite time and emotional resource.

Another way to demonstrate your angst toward cancer, your sorrow over the loss of Allistaire’s fiesty bright sweet spirit in this world, your support of our family, is to give to OBLITERIDE.  I cannot tell you how brutal it was this morning to hear of amazing research underway in the lab that is no where near being ready for Allistaire.  While I rejoice at the advance of cancer research, it is too wickedly slow!  What heartbreak to know that while cures are underway, Allistaire’s body will have already ceased.  Please consider honoring Allistaire’s life by supporting me in funding cancer research at Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center through Obliteride.

Click HERE to donate.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.” (1 Peter 5:8-11)

69 responses »

  1. I have followed your story for years, and how I have prayed for you and your precious girl. I ache for you and will lift you up to the Father every time I think of you.

  2. Don’t leave her side mama. Breath her, smell her, feel her, memorize her. Take pictures together, videos. Listen to her voice. Snuggle. Sleep with her. Give her all her favorites, all day long. There are no nos now. She is here. Live in the moment. Become one with her. Aishah and I are sending all our love. Ahmie and all those who have gone before her are waiting to greet her with rainbows and smiles.

  3. It’s amazing to me how even though I haven’t met your family and you don’t know me, because we share the bond of Christ, I love you my sister. I grieve for your family and I long for the glorious return of our Savior. You are much loved dear ones and will be continuously lifted to the Father.

  4. I have no words, but we are continuing to lift you and your family before our merciful Father. Weeping and praying with and for you.

  5. Sten, Jai, and Solveig….you have allowed us to stand on this awful sacred ground with you. I am grateful for that….but if my own heart hurts so badly and if I weep, I then cannot fully fathom the deep and abiding sorrow and pain you are experiencing right now. Of course I can’t. And yet I join with you in spirit, in steadfast confidence and trust in our God. The verses you chose are just right….reminding of what is TRUE.

    You are much-loved….from afar….

    Lisa, for Tom and Anja, too

    Tosontsengel, Mongolia

    • Of course I should have included ALLISTAIRE in this note, too….sweet girl, we pray for you and love you from afar, as well.

  6. “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints. ” Psalm 116:15

    We grieve and pray with you all as you walk through this terrible, precious time. Oh Allistaire!

  7. I am so sad for all of you. I have been a pediatric hospice nurse. I know you do not want any more suggestions,but please take her home to die. Not in the hospital. Let her be in her home and bed that she has not been on for so long. You all would have so much more peace. Time and time again we would get out patients home and the kids said that is exactly where they wanted to be. The kids never wanted to die in a hospital. Best of luck.

  8. Our hearts are breaking with you. We will continue to pray for you all. Praying for God’s comfort to overcome you as you seek His refuge & strength, for a peace that passes all understanding, and The Lord’s grace as He carries your family through this time. I am so sorry…

  9. My heart breaks to hear the end is so near. It’s like you can feel it coming to a close. I pray for precious moments of tender love and intimacy as a family. As you guide her to the doorstep of heaven as a fellow pilgrim and she must cross the river, she will not be alone. Her Savior waits and He will make her whole again!! He is the Lord of Lords and the Prince of peace!
    John 16:33 “I have spoken these things so you may have peace in me. In the world you have tribulation, but take heart, I have overcome the world”

  10. Jai, I have no words. Just so much love and grief and pain and yet trust in our good God. What joy to know when sweet Allistaire’s battle is over she will be in heaven, in glory and never have an ounce of pain ever again. Love you so much and holding you all up to the Lord!

  11. Thank you for updating us when every moment is so precious. Praying for Allistaire to have strength and energy for this visit home and may it be full of joyous, albeit bitter-sweet memories. I have been following little Allistaire for three years–just before her first transplant. Many times I have been tempted to look away because it seems too hard to watch a child die, but you do not have that luxury. You cannot look away and I will not. I will bear witness to all the moments of sweet Allistaire until there are no more. I’m so, so sorry that this is the path you must be on now. May the God of the saints who have walked these difficult paths before you, take you by the hand and show you how to endure.

  12. The Charlsons will forever continue to pray for you all. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain. We love you and will pray that God blesses every second you four have together until the day He brings Allistaire Home. May He make this time sweet and peaceful. ❤️

  13. Hi Jai, I knew Bjorn at Master’s and have been reading your blog for a few years. Praying and praying for your precious family.

  14. You write and share so honestly, and it allows us to see the gripping reality of your life. One we can never imagine. We are without words; just utter sadness for you guys. The goodbyes that never should have come. We are holding you in strength and peace; as you venture through these next days and weeks. Enjoy your home…. We won’t stop praying for each of you.

  15. Dying and crying inside for you….feeling the sharp searing pain of loss, but knowing God will carry you through it. Jesus is waiting for Allistaire and so is Jens, her beloved uncle…how sweet to know that.
    I agree with others here, bring her home….hospice in Bozeman is wonderful.
    Praying for you, with love, Carol

  16. I have followed Allistaire’s Bourne for the past year and so hoped this beautiful girl would beat this. I am so sorry for your family’s news. There are many people praying for all of you!

  17. Sharing your tears and grief…praying for each of you. Asking our loving Father to surround and hold you with His perfect comfort and peace.

  18. Wow, you guys are amazing pioneers fighting on the frontier against this horrible disease. You turned hope into the willingness to fight every day. And you made it further than those behind you, so that those in front of you might make it further still. As we push back the curse on this earth, for the Kingdom of God. His will on earth as it is in heaven. Day by day the pain you experienced is transformed into further wisdom for these doctors and all of humanity. Thank you for your perseverance.

  19. I’m so glad you’re coming home with Allistaire. Although I haven’t commented much on your posts, Jai, your precious family has been in my heart and my prayers all throughout this long, hard journey. My heart is so heavy for you all. I love the Anderson family and I know that our Lord will be near as you take each step, each breath, in the days to come. You are loved and prayed for by many. One day, when you are home with Jesus, you’ll fully understand the impact that Allistaire, you, your writing, and all your family have had for God’s Kingdom. God does not waste our pain, Jai. He is the God who turns our mourning into dancing, who Himself will wipe every tear from our eyes…and death, crying, and pain will be no more…they will all pass away. I’m praying for Him to sustain you, to strengthen you, to be the Lifter of your head…to supply ALL that you need. Never will He leave you; never will He forsake you. I promise to pray, continually dear sister in Christ. ❤️

  20. My family and I have followed your story, my kids go to school with your daughter. My heart breaks for you guys. You have always been in my thoughts and prayers but even more so the last couple days and days to come.

  21. Father, in Jesus name I bring this family before You! Comfort them in their pain. Touch them and let them hear Your voice singing over them in love. You know their pain and You care. Give them peace and comfort. You are the Great Physician, who has all power and authority. In You we trust. Hold this family and love on them. In Jesus name.

  22. Praying for you ferociously. Know that whatever decision you make is the right one for you and Allistaire. Love and hugs. 💕

  23. You don’t know me, I’ve followed your journey through a friend that has shared links on FB each time you’ve posted. I swore I’d never get pulled into another blog of a child that was sick because it’s just too hard, too emotionally guy-wrenching. But I’m thankful to be here, to have read your beautiful words, to think of you and pray for you and your family in the midst of unimaginable heartache. I’m so tremendously sorry for this news and sudden turn for your sweet girl. May the God of all grace be so palpably present for Allistaire and your family in these next days and weeks. May He tenderly usher her home, and guide you and yours in all gentleness in how to move forward moment by moment. Praying, and thank you for sharing your journey in such raw, honest humility.
    Christy Trabun, Dallas, TX

  24. Like so many others though I have never met you, I have been blown away by your faith during this extreme trial. I see how God has used your suffering as a mouth piece for His glory. I have prayed and followed your posts over the last several years. I am so sorry to hear the end is near. As a child life specialist (who used to work at Seattle children’s) I have seen first hand the anguish and heartache families go through when making decisions about end of life care. I am so thankful you are listening to the voice of your sweet girl! I hope your time in Montana is truly amazing and filled with so much joy. I encourage you to continue to listen to her voice, let her words and desires guide the many upcoming decisions you have to make. Praying for wisdom, peace, and clarity as your family goes through these final weeks. Savor each moment and praying your soul finds rest in the loving arms of our Mighty King and Savior.

  25. Prayers, prayers and more prayers going up for you all! Sweet, loving, tender, Jesus, is holding you all in His strong arms.Let Him hold you close, melt into Him!! God bless you.

  26. Our prayers for your family will always be with you. My daughter and I met you as you began your journey at Children’s. You have been in our thoughts and hearts ever since. No parents should ever have to endure this kind of heart break. All our love to your family……Amber and Allison Ross

  27. May His grace be sufficient for you as you face this unwelcome and dark valley. I’m asking God to cover her and all of you like a warm, down blanket in His loving arms.

  28. Oh, praying so much for your family this weekend. We ache for you all and the gut-wrenching grief of losing your precious one. Jesus, carry Allistaire and Jai and Sten and Solveig and every one who loves this precious honey so much. Your testimony to God’s greatness is being heard throughout the whole world.
    Becky and Dave Helsby
    Tanzania, Africa

  29. We love you Allistaire … So many love you. Please just know the stength you’ve given so many and know we pray with you, for you now!

  30. My heart is so heavy, my stomach sick… I can imagine, only because I’ve imagined losing my boy all 6 years of his life so far. But I don’t understand (yet) what this journey must be like. Every time I read your blog posts I can’t help but scoop Jaron up in my arms and just hold on tight. And then the tears come, they always do. Life is so precious, so fragile and sometimes far too short. Does it help to know I’m crying with you, I don’t know. I found comfort in your message to me about nursing Allistaire while reading my blog about Jaron. Those early tender days for me were so raw. And I’ve followed your journey thru your written words and I just can’t fathom the constancy of this wrenching battle for your little girl. The highs are so victoriously sweet and the lows so excruciatingly horrific. I’ve been singing and praying over you, two songs: Just Be Held by Casting Crowns and Break Every Chain (a worship song that lots of people sing). I KNOW, because I’ve felt the Lord God so close when I’ve needed Him most, that He holds me and He’s holding you right now. In this moment and the next, and every single time you cry out to Him. He is absolutely holding each of you. Thank you, Jesus.

  31. I have followed your story for a few years. My heart is breaking for you all. I pray for peace and for you all to feel God’s presence when you are all at home in Montana and in the days to come.

  32. My heart hurts – though we have never met, your words of love for your family, your search to know Him better my BSF sister- I have read, I have learned through your eloquent writings-God has used you for me to know Him better- I continue to pray
    Come Lord Jesus.

  33. I know these words are empty , but Allistair’s journey has touched so many. You have made her alive in my heart, and a member of my constant prayers. I will think of her my entire life, and I know others are the same. We will cry, we will celebrate her Heavenly homecoming, and her memory and your words will help her live on here on Earth in our hearts.

  34. Oh Jai. I have no words. Just tears. I am so very sorry. You and Allistaire were such a bright light in a very dark time for our family. I always see her as she was when I first met her…with those sweet curls and that contagious energy. I wish I could take this pain away. I wish I could change the direction of this road you are on. My heart aches. I am praying. I pray for peace beyond all understanding, for no suffering for your sweet girl, for you all to feel wrapped in His warm embrace. I’m just so sorry. With love and hope.

  35. I’m praying for peace to come to your child and family and thinking of you as I go through my own struggles with cancer that my husband has been diagnosed with yet again and this time-terminal. Those words echo lime a bad dream. I am sad everyday. As he fights off pneumonia this week, I think what will happen to his weakening body next week? It makes me sad that cancer affects so many, the young, old, male, female it leaves no one behind. Keep the memories dear to your heart for admidst the sadness, you will have those forever.

  36. Jai and family-
    You don’t know me. But I was introduced to your site by a friend.
    It has been such a privilege to walk with you, cheer with you, pray with you, and cry with you.
    Thank you for sharing your journey with sweet Allistaire.
    I am embracing you from Arkansas with eyes full of tears and a heavy heart and am fervently praying for peace and strength for all of you.
    The Lord will continue to bring about great good from your suffering. You have touched many souls. I will never forget Allistaire.
    Mary Beth Moore

  37. This is heart rending. I may not understand all the pain you are going through at this time. and how hard it must be for you. and as others have said no mother should have to go through this. You will always have Allastair in your hearts. praying for you and your whole family as you go through this difficult time in your lives.

  38. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers! May God’s grace and mercy sustain you! God bless this time together!

  39. Words are so inadequate at a time like this. I don’t know what to say but that our hearts are so very heavy and weeping for you and we are continuing to lift you up in prayer that God may strengthen and hold you close. And thank you for your continued honesty and openness as you walk down this dark road. Your story, your witness, has changed me.

  40. I cannot but admire yours and Allistaire’s, Sten’s and Solveig’s bravery all these years in dealing with this awful disease. We are all so saddened that it has now, so inexplicably suddenly, come to this end. We are praying for Allistaire and stand silently in solidarity with you at this holy and graced moment as you release Allistaire from your loving embrace into the loving embrace of our Lord. We will never understand why, and no answer, on this side, would ever fully satisfy. But, as you have written, when we are together again, there will only be the joy of reunion. Here, Love remains now, always, and forever.

  41. sending love and prayers of peace from Whitefish.

    may she be at peace. may she be happy. may she be free of suffering.

    your great love and hers are eternal.

    My heart aches for you and your family. May you find solace knowing that by you sharing your experience and pain, you are helping others to move deeper into their love.

    love, strength, peace…

  42. I am in wonder and awe of our God as he has rallied his people to their knees for your beloved Allistaire and her family, over the years. I also have never met you, a friend of yours has been sending me your blogs for the last few years and I have been entering Gods throne on her behalf. First off thanks for being willing to share Allistaires’ story, that I might CARE AND LOVE HER THROUGH YOUR EYES AND WORDS. Thank you for taking me on this journey with you. I know it must be hard, yet maybe healing, to write of your precious gift from God, Allistaire. You have shared with such raw honest humility, thanks. You have painted such a beautiful loving picture of her with your words, that I have been able to care and love her in my heart, as your words have brought her alive to me. I know her story through your words has touched many many lives. I love your Miss Allistaire and I will continue to pray for you on your journey to be with your savior, Jesus! I will also continue to pray for your family as you are Left Behind. And will pray, one last request, “ Lord Jesus, if it be your will, perform a miracle that all may see and believe that you are LORD!

  43. My heart aches for you all and you are all so loved. Thank you for allowing all of us to enter into such an intimate, vulnerable place with you. I’m praying for you all. May the Father’s deep comfort and grace be felt in this time.

  44. “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
    We are praying for your family.

  45. Praying, praying, praying for you all. My heart is aching for you. I want to share a verse that was shared with me by a very wise man, Phil Smart, Sr, and has carried me through some very dark days and hopefully will provide a bit of comfort to you during this very difficult time: “Do not fear, only believe.” Mark 5:36

  46. I don’t stop by here often, but felt compelled to after hearing the news. Just wanted to let you know that I am praying for Allistaire and your family.

    • Wayne, we are so thankful to have had you as our doctor, and to have you also as one who loves our Lord – well, we are more than doubly blessed. My God spur you on in your work as you care for kids with cancer.

  47. I found out about your family because someone shared your blog on Facebook. My heart is stunned and heavy and changed by reading this. That sweet, sweet, sweet, precious, perfect face. The incomprehensiveness of pain, suffering, and disease in this world. Why a child, Lord??? Your Faith…. your ability to express all this. Confusion, justice, injustice, love, comfort, searching. A plan, somehow. Purpose. Eternity. Glory. Bliss. Heaven. Perfect Peace. For your sweet, sweet girl. For you. For all of us. Thank you so very much for opening up your lives so that we could all be changed and do something better today because of it. Love and prayers from another Mom. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

  48. Allistaire’s beautiful, smiling face has adorned our refrigerator (in three different homes) since 2012 when you gave my husband one of her postcards…thank you for allowing us to join in her fight. You have inspired so many people to donate to cancer research. It simultaneously breaks my heart and makes me want to scream that there is no more treatment available for Allistaire. I cannot fathom the ache you must feel. Just know how loved you all are and that little Allistaire — even at the young age of 2 –made a profound impact on my husband, Ross (or rosh as she used to call him at that time). So much love to you guys and thinking about you always.

  49. Jai and family- praying for impossible peace. Radiant face, that you would taste the goodness of the Lord. He will be faithful Jai – your faith will stand. He is able to keep you! In constant prayer for you all. So grateful that the Spirit intercedes with groaning s too deep for words. Great Falls MT

  50. I only know you through this blog, but I pray for you and for your girl every day. Someone sent me this poem when I lost a love – I couldn’t understand why anyone would think it was appropriate, but I was so gutted by my grief that everything made me angry. I still read it every day 8 years later, so I guess it made an impression. I ache and weep and pray for Allistaire and all of you – and I hold on with you until the day we can be joined with our loves again forever. Come quickly Jesus!

    Death is nothing at all.
    It does not count.
    I have only slipped away into the next room.
    Nothing has happened.

    Everything remains exactly as it was.
    I am I, and you are you,
    and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
    Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

    Call me by the old familiar name.
    Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
    Put no difference into your tone.
    Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

    Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
    Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
    Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
    Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

    Life means all that it ever meant.
    It is the same as it ever was.
    There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
    What is this death but a negligible accident?

    Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
    I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
    somewhere very near,
    just round the corner.

    All is well.
    Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
    One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
    How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

  51. Our prayers,thoughts of love and caring go forth to you,Jai, and to all you family. We have followed your blog and I am truly amazed at your ability to so ablely express yourself thru your writing. What a tremendous mom you have been to Allistaire…You have been so faithful to God thru it all and a wonderful example to everyone who has shared this journey with you. We love you and your family,pray for continued strength and faith, and for a peaceful passing as Allistaire goes home ahead of the rest I of us to be with Jesus!

  52. Praying for you and your dear family….I have been following your blog (which I first saw as a share from a friend on FB) for more than a year and have been inspired by your strength and faith. You have a gift for writing about a difficult and personal journey–I wish everyone could read your honest and heartfelt words. I wish you, Sven, Solveig, and brave Allistaire peace and comfort in the coming days.

  53. Praying that the Lord will guide and grace you all through and after this is over. I once heard this phrase,” If He leads you to it, He will lead you through it”. I leaned on His word and after 2 years the storm is starting to pass. Memories will be good again, and She will always be with you. God Bless!

  54. Jai and family, We have been so privileged to pray for Allistaire and all of you for these past years. Posting any comments at all felt like an intrusion into something sacred! But now, we want to know that we are here and still praying!! Jai, thank-you for honoring our faithful Savior Jesus Christ and for continually offering Him a sacrifice of praise throughout this wrenching trial … Whatever the outcome we will keep praying for your family. We are sorry, so so so sorry, for this past week and the devastating turn of events.
    Psalm 73:25-26
    Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

    With deep love,
    the Breit family

  55. Jai and family, We have been so privileged to pray for Allistaire and all of you for these past years. Posting any comments at all felt like an intrusion into something sacred! But now, we want to know that we are here and still praying!! Jai, thank-you for honoring our faithful Savior Jesus Christ and for continually offering Him a sacrifice of praise throughout this wrenching trial … Whatever the outcome we will keep praying for your family. We are sorry, so so so sorry, for this past week and the devastating turn of events.
    Psalm 73:25-26
    Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

    With deep love,
    the Breit family

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