One more dose of chemo – ever – I pray

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Sten and Solveig and I get to be home together tonight and tomorrow because my dad is staying with Allistaire.

Tomorrow night at 7- 7:30pm Allistaire will get her last dose of Blue Thunder, her last of chemo for her treatment of AML.  It is absolutely surreal that we are at this point.  Granted, we still have about 3 weeks left in the hospital and at least a month before she’ll get her line taken out, but here we are at the last dose.  I have struggled this week back, not so much because I have to live a bizarre altered life in a hospital, but because I am surrounded by constant reminders that what I want to be the end may be and it may not be as it has not been for many of the faces around me.  There is Pedro’s son, that though he has completed his cancer treatment, remains in the hospital because now his liver is in trouble from the chemo.  Or Connie’s daughter who has is almost 8 years old and has had two bone marrow transplants, has spent over one entire year in the hospital since her last transplant and now spends 4 hours 4 times a week on dialysis because she needs a kidney transplant – also due to the treatment she’s received for her cancer.  There are numerous stories of relapse that continue to confront me.  I have felt battered this week and I want to feel joy for this amazing milestone in Allistaire’s life and in all of our lives.  I have struggled with guilt for having less joy than I feel I should have.

The Lord, however, has sent me encouragement this week, one in the form of the mother of the 6-year-old AML girl who is in for a transplant because of relapsing.  When first I met the mom several days ago, she almost immediately said that these children are the Lord’s, they are in His hands.  That was the very first time I have heard words like that from anywhere inside this world of the SCCA Unit, coming from this mom of all moms.  It was humbling to hear from her and it was powerful.  This morning a dear friend of mine sent me a text including the passage of scripture where Jesus tells Peter that Satan has asked for him, that he may sift him as wheat, but that Jesus has prayed for Peter that his faith would not fail.  My friend used this passage of scripture to remind me that Christ Himself is interceding on my behalf, that my faith would not fail.  I am again humbled and awed that such a thing is true.  That Christ Himself yearns for my faith to stand strong is such an encouragement.

We are not yet done with this AML.  In a few months we will merely need monthly blood tests, but the possibility for it to come back or another cancer to rise up will be ever with us.  Yet, slowly, slowly, the Lord is aiding me in releasing the tension in my hands, helping the palms to open and to rest.  I want to savor what has transpired.  I want to steap in the visions of a new life the Lord is opening up before me.  I want to know what it is to walk more and more with the Lord.  To walk is a slow mode of progression.  What grace it is from the Lord that this is what He has called me to.  He does not expect that I arrive.  He invites me to walk.

For all of you who look to the Lord for your hope and who have prayed on our behalf, I ask that if you are willing and able, would you stop what you’re doing tomorrow evening from 7 – 7:30pm Pacific Standard Time and pray for our little beloved Allistaire and ask that if it pleases God, He would use this last dose of chemo to complete the destruction of every last cancer cell in her wee precious body.

8 responses »

  1. It will be 10 oclock here in Ohio so it will be a very quiet time for us so you can be sure that I will be parying for Allistaire. I think that it will be Easter and the day Jesus rose from the dead your praryers will be answered more than ever.

  2. I will be praying! It’s funny that you mentioned Luke 22:32 – this is a verse I have prayed for you continually over past few months. It’s been amazing to hear of the Lord’s faithfulness to uphold your faith and use you to strengthen those around you (myself included through your blog). Continuing to pray for you as you press on to know, love, and trust Him more!

  3. We are praying-have been constantly these last 5 months and will continue to pray that our loving God will once again extend His mercy to us and will completely eradicate any trace of cancer in Allistaire’s body and that He will form a wall of protection against any mutating cells in the future. And I pray that not only you, but all of us who know and love Allistaire so dearly, will live each day in the knowledge of God’s love and grace and goodness and that will cause us to trust in His care for HIs own and believe His good purposes.

    I was just reading the BSF notes on Ephesians 6 regarding identifying the enemy, which dovetails with the scripture your friend sent and the notes point out that “the devil’s main strategy is to seduce people by causing them to doubt God’s love for them, doubt the goodness of His will for them, and to incite them to rebel against God.” No wonder he is called our adversary, accuser, deceiver and ‘the father of lies.’ But thanks be to God, He is far, far greater and we are His children whom He loves and takes personal responsibility for! I know that it’s your desire, as it is my desire for myself, that we will trust in His sovereign will for us, no matter what, believing His purposes are for good. I find myself going down that road of ‘what if’s’ sometimes and so my prayer will be that we will concentrate on the ‘now’-the goodness He’s shown us now and already-and on the hope we have for the future.

    Friends, who might read these comments, I want to thank each of you for your prayers, love and support given to my precious daughter and her family over these 5 months. No doubt God has used you to ‘hold our arms up in the heat of the battle’. If when you pray, you could include the grandparents as well, I would very much appreciate it. So many of Jai’s feelings, fears, challenges are similar to my own and I pray continually that the Lord will help me to keep my eyes fixed on Him and be able to see every one of His gracious acts on our behalf. The words “thank you” seem so inadequate for your many powerful prayers, but please understand that you’ve had a huge part in helping us travel this hard road, hopefully with God’s grace!

    Love to each of you,
    Jai’s Mom

  4. Dear Jai, Sten, Solveig and Allistaire,
    Thanks for your sharing. We will pray. Wishing you all a Blessed Easter, rejoicing because He is Risen!. In His love, Bethel

  5. Will definitely be praying for you tomorrow! And at 9pm our time:). I think it’s pretty awesome that Allistaire is getting her last does of chemo on Easter…. The day that signifies God conquering sin and death through Jesus rising from the dead!!! What a wonderful reminder of what He has and is doing for little Allistaire! Wishing you guys a blessed day tomorrow and thoughts and prayers coming your way… And to your sweet mom as well:).

  6. Its a wee late (just read the update!) but here is my prayer for Allistaire:

    Father God…we THANK you for precious little Allistaire. We thank you for the miracle You already have performed in her body. Father God, I would ask that Your hand would be upon her in a special way right now. May the blood of Jesus, which washes, purifies, and sanctifies cover her little body from the crown of her head to the soles of her feet. Watch over your little child, continue to protect her & keep her safe. Father God, we know You have great plans in-store for this little one, and we ask that You would continue to shield her and preserve her as the miracle she is and will be. We ask this, Father, knowing You long to rise and show compassion, and You are good, and reward faithfulness & a heart of faith.

    In the precious, preserving name of Jesus I pray,

    Amen!

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