IMG_1357I’ve never lived in a war-torn country  – where chaos and constant violence are the norm. When we lived in Seattle, I would occasionally be driving on I-5 and see tanks and other army vehicles from Fort Lewis, slowly making their way in the far right lane.  I was always surprised to discover that the sight of implements of war did not frighten me.  No, the truth is, I have lived predominately in times of peace and security.

The last 15 months have changed that.  I am on constant alert, aware that at any moment the course of the day might change radically – not because of violence outside, but violence inside.

Up ahead I can see the gate.  I slowly apply the brakes and I feel my heartbeat quicken.  Heat slinks up my neck.  I look at the paperwork in my sweaty hand and hope I have the right forms.  The car silently comes to a halt and I look up into the face of the person who will review the limp papers and I pray they will get me through.  It feels like an eternity.  You are inches from being on the other side of that gate.  But for now you are here and you know that if you don’t pass through, your pursuers are close behind.  You don’t know if you can out run them.  It feels like an eternity, this waiting.

Allistaire’s surgery went great.  She had no problems and even woke up from being under with no problems.  She watched cartoons, ate a muffin and drank her apple juice.  Her little wound has only some special super glue tape.  She’s laying on the couch now enjoying Mary Poppins.

The surgeon took a bit of skin with the lump to include in the biopsy.  He said it didn’t really look like anything alarming to him.  He thought it might be “fat necrosis,” where fat cells scar up after an injury which could occur from falling against something.  It did not look like a lipoma or subcutaneous cyst to him.  I want to take comfort in his words.  I want to hope there is nothing harmful there.  But as I read about Leukemia Cutis, it doesn’t necessarily seem like you would really see something unless it was under the microscope.  The scary part is that Leukemia Cutis can show up in your skin even when your bone marrow, spinal fluid and peripheral blood is clean.  I’m not sure if I’m understanding this correctly or not, but it seems that if this is the case, it shows the aggressiveness of the disease – as in, if you’ve already treated the bone marrow and succeeded in destroying the cells there but not in the rest of the body, the big remaining option of a bone marrow transplant may be insufficient.

Father in heaven, you know the plans you have for our lives.  With pain and sorrow I submit my life to you.  I hold Allistaire’s life with open hands.  We are yours, we are not our own.  I cling to the hope Christ had as He endured the cross for the joy set before Him.  The possible pain and agony before me is beyond my comprehension and at the same time, so is the weight of joy awaiting us.  Give us your peace that passes understanding.  Hold us aloft.


5 responses »

  1. you and your beautiful little one have been in our hearts and prayer, I only know you through your beautiful, heartfelt felt writings that never ceases to inspire me,I am a friend of Kim, who worked with your husband in Seattle,Blessing on all of you. Sandy M

  2. Jai,

    My heart aches for you and your family. Your words are filled with a hope that only Christ’s death could bring. I am encouraged by your faithfulness and love for Him.

    20 My son, pay attention to what I say;
    turn your ear to my words.
    21 Do not let them out of your sight,
    keep them within your heart;
    22 for they are life to those who find them
    and health to one’s whole body. -Provers 4

    May you cling to His Word, His love letter to humanity throughout all of this. Know that I am praying for you all hard. May you find thanks, amongst all things. He is good. Thank you for your words. Praying.Praying. -Tashia Love

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