Off to War

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IMG_1380Yesterday around 3:30pm I listened to a message from Dr. Gardner from Seattle Children’s Hospital.  She wanted me to call her back.  And I knew.  I knew that what seemed impossible, had suddenly burst into our reality.  The biopsy results were, “consistent with leukemic infiltrate.”  Dr. Gardner asked if we could be in Seattle Friday, knowing that Thursday was unrealistic.  So, game on.  Make the phone calls.  Start packing.  By midnight so many tears had been shed, my face looked like I had been beaten up.  Six restless hours of sleep and it was time to finish wrapping things up and get on the road.

Sten, Allistaire and I are in a hotel near the hospital.  Tomorrow at 10am Allistaire has her labs to get her current CBC (Complete Blood Count).  Then it’s off to get an EKG and an Echocardiogram.  At noon we meet with Dr. Jessica Pollard, her primary doctor here and AML guru.  At 1:30pm Allistaire will be put under, have a bone marrow biopsy and aspirate to determine if the cancer is in her marrow.  At the same time they will do an LP (lumbar puncture) which will tell us if the cancer is in her spinal fluid.  I’m guessing she’ll have a cat scan as well sometime soon.  All of these tests will help give us a clearer picture of the extent of the cancer in her body.  The EKG and Echocardiogram will give us base lines for her heart.  At this point we are tentatively scheduled to have Allistaire admitted to the hospital tomorrow but that will be part of our discussion with Dr. Pollard as a plan for her treatment is determined.

There is so much to process.  Allistaire is sitting next to me right now, thumb in her mouth and Doggie up against her nose, rubbing back and forth so slow as she intently watches Toy Story on the TV.  I am so acutely aware that this is her last night outside of the closed doors of the SCCA (Seattle Cancer Care Alliance) Unit.  I know those double doors, the one’s that lock her away inside.  As the sun set tonight and sky was all pinks and blues and purples, my heart thudded as I knew that it would be a very long time before Allistaire would be able to be outside again.  As I closed the door behind me at home today, I wondered if Allistaire would ever enter that house again.  Would she ever sleep in her big girl bed again, the one we just set up for her less than a week ago?  Would I ever again hear the belly laughter of two sisters racing around the couches?  Too many painful questions to even utter.

Tonight there is a looming reality before us.  This time will be much harder.  This time will be much longer.  This time I won’t have Sten here, I will be alone.

Tonight I borrow these words, “Through many dangers, toils and snares, I have already come; ‘Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, And grace will leave me home.”

14 responses »

  1. Jai,

    I am so sorry that you have to go through this. You have taught me so much in the time I have known you through BSF and I have been praying for you and your family and will continue to pray for you.

  2. My heart breaks. When Emily told me the news, I immediately cried out to God on y’all’s behalf.
    You are deeply loved by so many Jai. Our family is praying. Hugs.

  3. Oh Jai, I’m so sorry to hear this. We are praying for you all that God would grant you the grace and strength to walk through whatever is ahead. Love, The Montoyas

    • Dear Jai, Sten and Allistaire,
      We have been following your lives as well as being in touch through JoMarie. Our hearts are heavy as we have read your last posts. You have been in our prayers and will continue to be. May you know and feel our Heavenly Father’s presence and peace in your hearts. In His love, Joe and Bethel

  4. My name is Grace (friend of JoMaries) as I suffer through health issues, I know yours is soooooo much worse and I am going to pray for you and your family everyday, May the Lord show a miracle of mercy and love….
    Psalm 29:6—7 Blessed be the Lord Because HE has heard the voice of my supplications
    The Lord is my strength and my shield My heart trusted in HIM and I am helped. Therefore my heart greatly rejoices and with my song I will praise Him.
    I know in times like this it is hard for us to hold on but I will pray HE holds onto you…….love grace regnier

  5. Dear Anderson family, I don’t know you personally, but I’m familiar with your story through MBC. I am praying for you both and for your little sweetheart. My prayers are for a complete miracle…and that the Lord sustains you throughout. Trust Him!

  6. I know about Allistaire from her Grandma telling me first hand here in Bozeman. Prayed so often last time around and will start again.

  7. Jai, I’m am so broken-hearted to hear about the battle you and your sweet girl face again. I’m glad you know THE GOD of all hope.
    If there is ANYTHING you would like people to get for you…ie Starbucks card,etc… Please post. Let us bear your burden in any way that would feel helpful to you. You and your family are loved by so many dear Jai!!

  8. God tells us that He heals the broken hearted,so we will pray for that he will heal your broken hearts. He also tells that he puts our tears in a bottle, and will one day pour them out as a sweet smelling sacrifice before our Father. He knows all about this, and He will walk right beside you through whatever comes. Praying for all of you.

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